Saturday, July 28, 2012

Some things.

I am a Christian.
I am proud to be an American.
I am a sinner.
It is not my place to judge anyone.
I believe that the sanctity of marriage is between a man and a woman. 
I do not hate gays; some people that I love very much are gay.
I believe God loves gays just as much as He loves everyone else.
I believe everyone has the right to peacefully stand up for what they believe in, whether I agree with it or not.
I believe that I have the right to peacefully stand up for what I believe in, whether other people agree with it or not.
I believe people should have all the facts before they get all up in arms about something.
I believe know that the Holy Bible is God's Word.
Disagreement does not mean judgement and condemnation.
I believe there is too much hate in this world, and that makes me sad.
I do not get involved in politics because I do not know enough to wholeheartedly back any one person or party.
I am tired of being made to feel guilty for any of this.

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Hangover

I felt horrible all day today.  I slept until 11:00 a.m., and when I got up my eyes were puffy and red, my head hurt, and I was exhausted. 

Did I go on a bender last night? 


I had a big cry.

They say crying is therapeutic.  Excellent stress relief, reduces your risk for heart attack, blah blah blah.  But I am of an age where crying absolutely wears me out.

I've always been a cryer.  Even as a kid, sappy TV shows or Hallmark commercials would make me tear up.  When I watched the finale of M*A*S*H, I bawled.  Movies always get to me - even ones that don't make most people cry.  Planes, Trains, and Automobiles?  I bawled.  And don't even get me started on the real tear-jerkers, like Titanic, Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes.....I could go on and on.  The most recent one to get me was Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  I renamed it Extremely Sad and Incredibly Sad.  I was a mess for hours.  I won't even watch The Notebook.  I already know what it will do to me.

I always cry at weddings.  I cry if I see a baby be born on TV or in a movie.  I cry at sad endings and happy endings.   I cried when I sent my babies off to Kindergarten, and cried at all major milestones of Drama Daughter's senior year of high school.  I cry in church.  I cry when I read a good book.  I cry when I hear particular songs.  I cry during any dog or horse movie.  I cry when I see soldiers reunited with their loved ones.  I cry during this commercial.  I cry when I think about my grandmother.  Sometimes?  I just cry.

Last night was a doozie - not your average dab-your-tears-with-a-Kleenex-and-sniffle-a-few-times cry, but an all-out sobbing, snotting mess.  No worries - today I am fine.  God has a way of working everything out, and comforting me when I'm at my worst.  I have been cleansed.

But damn I'm tired.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The Foolish Fearless

When We Were Young by Take That

When we were young the world seemed so old,
Careless and cold,
We did what we were told in our lives,
When we were young.
Had the world by the tail, good would prevail, starships would sail,
And none of us would fail in this life,
Not when you're young.

We were drawn to whoever could keep us together,
And bound by the heavens above,
And we tried to survive,
Travelling at the speed of love.
When we were young,
When we adored the fabulous,
When we were young,
We were the foolish fearless,
Never knowing the cost of what we paid,
Letting someone else be strong,
When we were young.

In a moment of grace,
A long leap of faith,
There's still more glorious dawn awaits my life,
I'm here with the lovers

Then we burned the bridges we're crossing over,
Just to see the firelight,
And the innocent are getting over being old tonight.
When we were young,
When everything was what it seemed,
When we were young,
And everyday was how we dreamed,
Never knowing the cost of what we paid,
Letting someone else be strong,
When we were young.
And when you look at yourself tonight,
Are you someone you recognise?
You can take back what you've given away,
But it must be the last time.
When we were young......

As I prepare to send my daughter off to college, I've been thinking a lot lately about when I was her age - when I was young.  Times were so different, and yet, they weren't.  We didn't have many of the technological advancements that we do today, and I truly believe life moves at a faster pace now, but I bet she has the same thoughts and feelings that I did when I was 18 years old.   I adored the fabulous.  I was the foolish fearless.  I was travelling at the speed of love, and so is she.  Like her, I had the world by the tail and never believed that I would fail. 

I was so naive - I didn't think I was, but I was.  I thought I knew everything and my parents didn't understand - the world seemed so old.  I wonder if she feels that way, too? 

I've lived a lot of life since then, and thankfully most of my memories are good ones.  But if I didn't have the bad ones too, I wouldn't be who I am today, so I am thankful for them as well. 

And yet I want to protect her from anything bad.  From heartbreak.  From fear.  From being told no.  From loneliness.  From sickness.  From pain.  It doesn't work that way, does it?  One time when she was about 6 or 7 I said to her, "Why can't you go back and be my baby again?" and she said, "MOM!  I've got to LIVE!" 

That's right, baby.  You've got to live.  And I've got to let you spread your wings and do just that.  Cherish every moment in your life, and know that I'll always be here when things get tough.  I'll always understand.  Because once?  I was young.

Monday, July 09, 2012

Reunited and it feels so good.....

Thoughts/Observations on my 25-year high school reunion:
  1. It's GREAT to see old friends - some of whom I have known since elementary school!  I laughed a lot.  And hugged a lot.  And laughed a lot.
  2. We've all grown up.  I don't just mean we've gotten older (which we have), but we've GROWN UP.  We've evolved from shallow teenagers into doctors, lawyers, car salesmen, policemen, businessmen and women, teachers, parents, and more.  No one cares if you're gay.  No one cares if you're overweight.  No one cares if you don't make as much money as they do, and no one cares if you invented Post-Its.  We're all just.....grown-ups. 
  3. For the most part, the women are aging better than the men.  Or maybe we just hide it better. 
  4. People that were assholes in high school aren't necessarily assholes anymore.
  5. I was not the only one who had insecurities about going.  I was not the only one who was really glad I got over them and went anyway.
  6. I was surprised at the wide range of children's ages amongst us - we are all basically the same age, yet some of us have children in high school and college, some of us have toddlers, and one of us is even pregnant with her first!  Also, some of us have been married for years, some just got married this year (or plan to), some have never married, and some have been married and are now divorced.  Such different lives we all lead, and yet we all came together to celebrate our common high school years, and we had a great time doing it!
  7. I don't have to drink to have a good time.  I don't have a problem with people who do drink (in moderation), but I've decided I'm just not a drinker anymore. 
  8. I am also not a roller skater anymore.  However I thought having our reunion at the skating rink was brilliant!  Most of us grew up there!
  9. Time really does go by so. fast.
  10. I hope we're all around to do it again in 5 years.

Friday, July 06, 2012

Who I am is quite enough......

I have never felt beautiful.  Growing up I was teased relentlessly about being skinny, about being short, about being a nerd, you name it.  In middle school I was, like many kids that age, awkward.  Braces, acne, and bad perms.  In high school I was still the skinny one, with skinny legs and skinny arms, who could never get a tan.  If a boyfriend told me I was beautiful, I loved it.  But I never really believed it.

On the eve of my 25th high school reunion, I am so wanting to be beautiful.  I got a pedicure today; I'm getting a haircut tomorrow.  I still haven't decided what to wear.  I want my classmates to be amazed.

But I know there is One who knows I am beautiful.  The One who made me.  The first time I heard this song I cried, because it spoke to my heart.  Let it speak to yours.  If you have ever doubted your beauty, doubt no more.  God made you perfect.  He made me perfect, too.  And we ARE beautiful.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

As long as I'm living, my Baby you'll be.

As a mother, I've seen my children go thru a lot of things.  Navy Son broke his arm and busted out his front teeth.  Drama Daughter had to get stitches in her forehead when she was just 18 months old, then oral surgery to remove 9 teeth when she was a young teenager.  Band Son got stitches in his chin several years ago, and has had adenoid surgery and other visits to the E.R.  While it's never easy, in every circumstance I have been able (for the most part) to remain calm and be strong for them.

But on Monday, Band Son - who is also my Baby - had oral surgery to remove his 4 wisdom teeth, plus 4 other teeth for braces.  Drama Daughter had this same surgery and I got her thru it just fine - she was a trooper.  But Band Son struggled - the anesthesia made him very, very sick.  And I found myself having a hard time holding it together. 

I've seen my children throw up dozens of times.  It comes with the job of Mom.  But Band Son was throwing up lots and lots of blood.  And his face was turning purple because he was choking on the gauze.  And as I held the trashcan for him and stroked his curly hair, I wasn't grossed out - I was heartbroken for him.  I wanted to curl up in that dentist chair with him and just hold him and tell him it was going to be OK.  I wanted to take his place so he didn't have to do this at all.  I wanted to be that mom in the book "Love You Forever" that holds her full-grown son in her arms and rocks him and tells him, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, My Baby you'll be."

Navy Son has been grown up and gone from us for 8 years.  I'm used to not having him around.  My second Chickie is going to leave the nest this summer, and I'm doing my very best to get used to that idea as well.  That leaves my Baby Chick here with me.  My Baby Chick that I must protect at all cost so that nothing bad ever, ever happens to him.  Seeing him go thru this agony this week is ripping my heart out.  (Don't tell him that, tho!)

Why is this so hard?

Sunday, July 01, 2012

And just like that, she started blogging again.

I haven't blogged in a long time.  Three years, almost.  I got caught up with building my business, being a Drama Mama, being a Band Mom, and just LIFE.  I've kept up with most of my blog friends on Facebook, but Facebook has me spoiled to posting quick statuses that don't require much thought, and I'm realizing that I really did enjoy having this blog as an outlet to just WRITE.  And so, here I am.  I'm back in the Blogosphere.  Expect future postings about my kids - they are older now, and so amazing - and how it feels to be sending my daughter off to college, leaving only one chick in the nest.  Some days I don't feel like I'm aging well - Mom wasn't kidding when she said everything changes when you hit 40.  I worry about stuff - some worries are valid, some ridiculous, but late at night I have trouble distinguishing between the two.  I'm seeing life differently than I ever have, and that's a good thing. 

Life is good.

Life is very good.